The Wall

  The Chronic Pain Wall. What we learn to put up when we feel the people we know have heard it enough. First stop at this wall......"I'M FINE". What we learn to say to make YOU feel better. It hurts you to know I am in pain.....REALLY....you think you know pain....I'm laughing inside.  You have NOOOOOO idea. I love ya...but you don't get it! I will let you in on a lot of things WE never tell anyone. 18 yrs and counting...in pain. This is the stuff I only write down and usually throw away. Writing keeps me sane. I think. You would have to ask my family about that one.

  I am so frustrated right this minute. Yes, it's been building, but this is getting to the point of screaming now. I have tried to explain to the doctor and let one kid know just how bad it is right now. I'm not getting my point through. The kid I understand. I have always been hiding as much of it as possible, hard to change. I still sequester myself when it is at it's worst. 

   I have tried not to hide anything with the doctor. Easier said than done. When I say I'm MISERABLE....I do mean it. I explained. I have not left my house except to come to the doctor. No matter where I try to sit, lay, or in between....IT HURTS! A LOT! I only go to sleep when I am totally exhausted. I can't go to sleep before then. It hurts too much. 

  I hate prednisone. I take it. Because the doctor said to. It did help for a day or so. Then it's like it came back with a vengeance! This problem is not my normal chronic pain stuff. I KNOW all that stuff. This is something else wrong. What does the dr go to first? Chronic pain. ASSUMING!! This is not good. The only reason I have not been to the ER is sitting in the waiting room. I hate that part! I'm almost to the point of having to go. Not much of a choice anymore. It put me on the floor again today. This is really ticking me off. The floor part is bad enough but now it's affecting my right leg, my right back, and the pain is making me soooo nauseous I can't stand it. I'm tired of "try this for a week or two, then come back".