Post Injury 18 years 2 months 11 days

  God it has been a lonnngggg road! That LONG and WINDING road! One of those back-roads... Gravel, around a mountain,(only goes UP lol). Lot's of pot holes....well more like large ditches to cross. Wading through, slowly, a lot of things.

  So many blood tests, x-rays, MRI's, Cat Scans, Injections in my back..shoulders..neck...and even in my skull!!  And so on and so on. Many doctor's who don't want to see you anymore because they can't fix you! Others that decide if they have nothing they can fix there must be NOTHING wrong with you! (That is one of those wanna SLAP'EM moments!)

  Have you ever had at least one moment with a doctor when you wanted to hurt them VERY badly, give them pain, and try to show them just how bad it feels ALL THE TIME for you?!?! OOOOOOooooo I have wanted to on many occasions!

  I have had nights that all I could think about was wanting someone else to hurt as much as I did at the time. You know, those pity party nights. Sitting alone, crying, mad, depressed, upset, needing a hug from someone you love! I went today to my best friends so I could get that hug from the person that is not related to me but loves me unconditionally!! Until today I felt too bad to leave my house to do that or anything. God forbid anyone come here!

  18 yrs 2 months 11 days and I still get asked is it all better now?! BLESS THEIR HEARTS! I truly believe that NO ONE can understand unless they actually deal with it themselves! It's impossible! Not to say that some can't empathize.. someone that loves you unconditionally, asks how you are and do NOT accept the "FINE" answer. The ones that hear you say you don't feel like it but know you haven't done anything in too long and come to get you and make you go anyway! You work out in your head just how much your going to have to pay for what you are about to do IN PAIN! Weigh the good against the bad. Go for it! 1 good afternoon for 2 or 3 really bad days.....yeah it's worth it!

  There is something else that I wish more people could understand. There are some things you just can never do, some you can't do the majority of the time, some things you can do one in a while...when your really determined to do it because you are sick of NOT doing it. You KNOW your going to pay! Somebodyyyyy sees you do it and assumes you can do that all the time! ! ! NOOOOO ! ! ! There is constantly a scale in your head trying to figure out how to balance the good with the pain.

  Before this past year and 1/2 of hell.... I would plan to do something. Let's say on Saturday with a friend. So starting Wed or Thur I would just quit....everything. (Park in the recliner with tea and a remote) Rest up BEFORE I was going to push things too far and I knew it. Go do the thing I really wanted to do. Then PAY!! OMG PAY!! Depending on what I did I could be paying for 2 days or 2 weeks. But you have to decide is it worth it? Sometimes I wonder what I was thinking...price was too high!

  All these years later I know that my tolerance for pain is very high, I also know my tolerance for medication is very high also. If I listed all the medications and treatments over the years I could probably fill one page with that alone. I also know that sometimes...it all gets to me and I just can't take it anymore.... that is the time I have the pity party with myself. It's just you take all the pain for sooooo long...I hit a wall and just can't handle it for a little while. I get past it though..sometimes slowly some faster than others.

  There are so many things that I have NEVER said to anyone ever! I hope that someone can read this blog and maybe find something that might help them understand just a tiny bit of what someone they know is going through. I also know some of this is just a mess of depression, aggravation, and just wanting to get some things out!