It's gonna be one of THOSE days

  Chronic Pain. Such a short name for something so all encompassing. Horrible, everlasting, debilitating, depressing, unimaginable, unexplainable, etc, etc, etc! 

  The original pain is enough....but that's not all. That pain causes other pain. Pain of loss in a lot of ways. Can cause...Loss of income. Loss of freedom. Loss of ability.Loss of ambition. Loss of some family. Loss of friends. Loss of reasons to get up and get moving.....and so on. Soooo many things. 

  There is still a little bit of good now and then. This also can be depressing. When you get a glimpse of good...you want more of it. Problem is, it usually doesn't come. This suks! I wish and I hope to feel better. I get a glimpse of it. I feel amazing compared to normal for a tiny bit of time and it is AMAZING! Then.....I get woken up again...with the pain...I've slept maybe 3 hours. REALITY! I knew it was too good. 

  That glimpse...reminded me of just how much I have and am missing. Sometimes it is easier, in a way, to stay stuck in the dark house with nothing but my TV and computer. No visitors, no calls, feels like no one cares at all. Then you get that look that shows you some do still care, they just have noooo idea how to help you. It is so hard to tell them anything to do though. I want to, I have no idea what to tell them actually. Besides..I have spent years cultivating the talent of NOT showing how I feel. Not letting anyone know just how bad I am doing. Not crying, not letting myself get physically sick. 

  This causes more problems. I realize I have not really cried in years. The migraines and other pain is soooo overwhelming my body wants to purge itself...get it out. I can't. When you suffer from horrible migraines, you learn if you cry it gets worse, if you throw up..it gets worse. I have trained myself not to let this happen. Now I have a problem doing either no matter how bad I need to. It does surprise me that I can stop a bodily function with my mind. Why can't I stop the pain?!? 

  Don't get me wrong...I have tried. Mind over matter and all that. I have tried pretty much everything over the years. I have been put through some horrendous procedures that were supposed to "help" me. I still can't believe I subjected myself to some of them. It is amazing the more pain you will put yourself through in order to lessen another pain. There are some...who will take advantage of this. Drs that want to "try" something they may believe in to see IF it works like they think. This may be necessary....I don't like it! Not when I'm the guinea pig.

  I have had horrible procedures done and gone straight back to work. (This is when I had a job that "understood" all my problems. I was lucky...best friend ran the place.) I have no idea how I drove back to work. I have no idea how I didn't fall out flat when I got there. I don't think my brain was even there at the time. This falls into that determination territory. The determination we have to keep going no matter how bad it gets. Sometimes this just means....keep living. If you have chronic pain and you keep living...period...you have determination! Not that I would ever kill myself...but have thought about it being easier if I was killed in an accident or something. I don't think you can tell me anyone with chronic pain had never thought of that. I believe it has to cross the mind of everyone with chronic pain of any kind.

  I am sitting here writing this and trying to figure out how to get ANY of this across to a doctor in 10 mins. IMPOSSIBLE! I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack worrying about not being able to get it across. i wonder if I could get a dr to read my blog? Would it do any good? Or.....might I be stuck in-patient for something? I'm not crazy. I just run around in my pajamas, wanting someone to hurt as much as me for a minute. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me....just for them to get it! It is so frustrating!