Parents and Kids busy working. Kids are mostly outta the house, they come back from time to time for a little while. Everybody is busy. I'm sitting alone. It's the evening. TV is boring or I'm just bored with it. I don't feel like driving. I love to drive...to nowhere...just around. Not tonight. Feeling sorry for myself. After 18 years of this I think I handle it pretty well...most of the time. Sometimes it just gets to me! You know...the thoughts of THIS WILL LAST FOREVER!! I hate that sentence! Mostly I try not to think of that but IT keeps reminding me. A LOT! I've had these nights many times over the years. So I write about it at the time.
It's one of those nights to cry. Have to be alone for this but at the same time it feels lonely! I don't want to be lonely, don't want to be alone, but part of me feels like this is too much to ask anyone else to go through. God, I have a hard time dealing with it, how can I ask anyone else to deal with it too? Sometimes I just with I could take ONE thing that would let me NOT hurt for an hour...just an hour. I want to remember what that feels like! don't want too much do I?
No one can truly understand unless they are in it. Some really try. Thank god for the 1 friend in my life that truly does try to get it. I still avoid sometimes feeling like it is really too much to ask one person to deal with. I'm afraid she will get sick of hearing it and not want to deal anymore. A lot of my family doesn't want to deal. You know they ask the question how are you, but all they really want to hear is your "FINE". i have been fineeeee for so long! I love the attitude that after a period of time "it must be better" WHAT PART OF CHRONIC IN FRONT OF PAIN DO YOU NOT GET"?
You know I don't like it anymore than anyone else does but I have no choice but to deal with it. Sometimes it feels like I'm being crushed by the pain. Smothered...it hurts so much I can't breathe sometimes. I want to beat something up!! I want something or someone to hurt as much as I do sometimes just so someone or something will understand!! How do you explain to someone how it feels to deal with a pain level of 4 to 8 on a constant basis? Hell I don't understand it most of the time!
I'm just coming out of a period of hiding. The WONDERFUL doctor I had retired. OH MY GOD! What do I do now? We all know what this means....START OVER. They all want to start again...put you through the same crap you have been through soooo many times before and every one of them has a different opinion of what to do about it. I love the "I'll see you again in 2 weeks and we will talk about this again" UHHHHH this hurts bad enough to make a normal person call 911 and get a shot of anything they can and you want to talk more LATER oh and take Tylenol for the pain. I'm laughing and crying at the same time. They don't get it!!
It took me 5 years to find 1 doctor that actually helped me....how long will it take now?? It's been a year and a half, I've gained weight again...from inactivity. I spent 1 year in the dark. Literally. Saved money on light bulbs that year. Didn't go anywhere, avoided all family activities, got my boys to "run by" and pick up stuff from the store. They would comment on it being dark....then leave. I don't think anyone knew just how bad I got....actually I don't think anyone WANTED to know how bad it got. I have lied down and thought if I just don't wake up it won't hurt anymore but I can't do anything to make that happen. I love my kids and grandkids too much to leave them. But sometimes....it seems like too much to handle! I'm starting to think it's about time for me to go back to an in-patient chronic pain center. I have avoided that since the first time I did that. It was interesting, they told me I was on too many medications, went in for 60 days and came out with TWICE the amount of medication I went in with!! I wouldn't take it all when I got out....maybe they are better these days. God I don't know what to do. Now that I write about it....it seems like that would be a horrible idea again! Anyone that has had a GOOD experience at a chronic pain center please let me know!
I can't sit here anymore for right now..I'll be back later on.......
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