911 or not?

  I have hit that point, which fortunately doesn't come often, of 1 step from dialing 911. I am still in the stage of talking myself into it not being that bad. This is scaring me though. Put aside all my "normal" chronic pain stuff, this has taken over. I am shaking, my head feels like it is going to explode, my stomach has swollen to a ridiculous amount, I feel like my ribs are going to pop out from the pressure inside pushing out. I can hardly stand the pain running from my back down my right leg and foot from the pressure against the inside of my back.

  According to the doctor I broke down and saw, because this had gotten to the point I couldn't stand it anymore......she "doesn't feel anything wrong" when palpating my stomach. sheeeee doesn't FEEL anything! NO shit!!!! I called this dr's office yesterday. Of course I just got to talk to a receptionist. Told her I had to speak with the dr. The pain had become immense and had already struck a blow so hard it put me on the floor with sudden sharp unrelenting pain. No nurse or dr bothered to call back. And some want to know why I don't "want" to go to a dr. 

  This is now feeling like it is putting pressure on my lungs, causing pain between my shoulder blades, while still pushing up and out from under my ribs as it also pushes on my spine. I even feel pressure on the right side of my throat, only the right side, and very very nauseous. This actually got better on a few days of the prednisone, but those days I was "manic". I have never had that reaction to prednisone. And I have taken it many times over the years. Since it abated a little, it has come back with a vengeance and worse. I thought it was horrible before....It is now. On the pain scale I give it a 9.5, on the scary scale I give it a 10.

  I dread the ER. Once they hear or read, they have me on record from migraine visits, chronic pain...the attitude changes! I hate that! Assumptions everywhere. So many are just totally misinformed assumptions based on nothing scientific or real about chronic pain patients. But..I hate that LOOK. You know the one. Where you know behind those eyes they are thinking holy shit...what do I do..can I prescribe anything.. I should send this person to their "personal" physician. Yeah that's it...pawn if off on the family physician, we'll just make sure you aren't going to die in the next 12 hours. Then you feel yourself being "pushed" out the door as far away from them as possible. So why wouldn't I just luvvvv to go the the hospital?

  I think I am having a small panic attack right now. It's that fight you have in your own mind about just how bad it all is. Trying to talk yourself into it not being as bad and you are thinking it is. But also thinking maybe I should write a note to one of my kids (grown up) to make sure I'm alive when they get up. I know that is so dramatic...but somewhere in my head is a little section saying that is a good idea. 

  I think it is telling that something is definitely wrong when you have been fighting something for so long and no relief or reason for it, that you have had some crazy ideas flash through your mind. Like if I fell hard enough right on my stomach where the swelling is the worst...would it possibly force something to do anything that would make this different? Yeah...I know that is crazy. I knew that the moment I thought it. Same thing when the one about accidentally getting cut there might make them look and find something.Although...I did have gall bladder surgery in December...that dr did tell me there was a huge amount of inflammation where I was complaining about. I asked him, well what was causing this. His answer, honest to god was, "I dunno" and he left the room! As he left I did state "that was helpful"! So the cutting thing....bad idea. Now I'm not sure I actually needed my gall bladder out....great..I can get something taken out that wasn't hurting, but can't get anything figured out about what IS hurting! 

  I'm about ready to get the hammer and knock myself out for a little while. I am so miserable right now and I could really use some sleep. So somebody wish me luck...somewhere....and I will try to get a little sleep.

PS.....Those thoughts only come when the pain has become unbearable and I hit the scary stage with a panic attack.  A lot of thoughts come then. It is when everything hits you. What you can't do, what you haven't done, what you would like to do. The whole WHY ME pity party time. Granted we all need that time once in a while just to let it go but I hate anyone knowing about it! (at least I did, can't do this and say that)